Mental illness is one of the most frightening things that can happen to a human being. It's like fighting an invisible war. Not imaginary -- invisible. It's there, but no one can see it, but the person fighting it feels every inch of it. And hopefully, others will believe it exists. When our organs have something wrong with them, like our hearts, livers or bones, there is a pretty tangible effect for those around us to witness. But we can, for the most part, still function. When the organ afflicted is the brain, however, the organ running the show, deciding how we act, react, communicate, socialize, etc., it's just...different. There are no open wounds, bruises, swelling, anything other people can see. How do they know it's not fake?

*For the words that I don't know how to say. Thank you for breaking down what I'm feeling. It's one more step for me. And I'm hoping that it's a step that I don't trip on.

Some people are so lucky, they have everything they could ever want. A good home, promises are never broken, loving people surrounding them, good grades, a warm soul. And I have...well it seems...nothing in comparison. I don't have any of those things. I struggle for the things that I get. Sometimes it seems that the struggle is easier than in other times. However, sometimes the struggle makes me lose my mind with it's difficulty. Why does life come easier to others? Why do they seem to never have to struggle through things. I've been poor, I've barely had a home, I've seen things that children should NEVER have to see...I've DONE things that people shouldn't do to themselves. I've struggled. Some people...well the worst thing they go through in life is having their dog die. I admit...Murphy's death was no picnic, he was my best friend. Because I HAD no best friends besides him...but still, it's not on the list of things that made my life the worst that it's ever been. No...I've been through stuff, and it's made me a callous person...an uncaring soul...it's left me with questions like, what did I do to deserve what I've been delt.
I know that living in the past is useless and I should consider what I have now to be a miracle. I guess that's why I am where I am now. I'm in college...I'm trying to make something better than what I have had...which essentially is nothing.
It was hard being THAT girl. I wanted friends so badly, but could never understand why I didn't have them. I wanted a better life so badly, but could never understand why I hadn't been given one. My life has been challenging and it doesn't look like it's getting easier. In fact...it's probably getting harder than I could ever imagine it would get. In a time for self discovering, all I do is find myself regeritating on the past and wishing that it would have been better. I sink back into the familiar shell that has always been there for me. It's odd that I've held on to that shell for so long...even when I thought I was going to lose it.
But all I have in the end is my own mind.
Yet I try to make others have the best possible life imaginable. Because I don't want them to have to go through the same struggles that I went through. I want their life to be great and full of possiblities and I want them to always have a never ending bliss of easiness. Because the world beyond our own minds is a challenging one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You were an abandoned child. The world scares you, so you wrap it up neatly in bonds of reason, education and proof. All riddles are solvable to you. -Avalon (Bones)

Life clung to her in a way that she didn’t think was possible. Her thoughts, and memories allowed her to breathe. To feel that life pulsating through her veins that she thought was slowly killing her. It brought with a series of pain and insecurities that she didn’t know had bottled themselves into a nicely wrapped package.
It became harder for her each day to live with the knowledge that she was never going to feel like herself again. And she felt her lungs filling with a metaphorical water that allowed her breathing to stop on rare occasion.
Moments that took her breath away were only superficial now. The world had collapsed into one that didn’t seem to need her anymore. Everyone and everything had found their place, and she felt meaningless. Those who felt her presence only disregarded her as someone who they could forget.
She even forgot herself.
It was easy when not even the world felt right.
Her fragile strength never held for very long and with each day the clouds over her life gathered more strength. It was a raging flood that she found she couldn't overcome, and the obstacle confused her.
Nothing was supposed to be this hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When our sense of reality is challenged it can take some time to regain our footing."-Sweets

When the entire world gives up on you, what moves do you make to get it back?
I'm tired of being treated like such a child when it comes to my family. I understand their support and appreciate their caringness...but they always just push it a little too far.
I've been under my mothers thumb for the past 18 years, don't you think it's time for her to give me a little space, and a little time to myself.
Should I feel guilty for leaving just because now she feels lonely? And really, what gives her the right to drag my grandmother down with her. I know they want me to feel better, but really...obviously I'm fine. If I weren't, I would have taken the proper precautions to ensure that I didn't spread whatever I have to my roommmate and to the rest of my floor.
Why are they making this so hard?
I just...I just don't understand. And I really didn't need this right now. It makes me want to go home EVEN less.
It's not that I don't care. Because I do.
It's just that...they care a little too much. I'm just trying to become someone in the world. And I'm tired of them holding me back.

Hey Holly...props to you for spying on me. Bitch.

Um. If my head could explode right now, it would. I assure you. I can't put my thoughts into words. And by just writing that out, I feel like I've explained it all. It's weird how I just hit these days of utter...I don't know...just these days of utter dissapointement in myself. And those days where I'm just SO terrified to even move. I'm having one of those day's...or nights..or the limbo between those two.
WHATEVER!
Kanye equals disrespect.
Beyonce equals wonderful
VMA's equals...EPIC FAIL.
At least Rob Pattinson crawled out from under his covers LONG enough to stand on stage for TEN FREAKING seconds. Great job Rob...great job plugging your movie, now go back to bed!

Rest in peace Patella, you were a good fish.

Boji, man...I'm going to miss you more than you know. You're the greatest dog that anyone could have ever owned. I love you. And I'm glad that we got to spend the time that we did together. Because you are a wonderful friend and a beautiful dog. God's going to be lucky to have you next to him.
Almost as lucky as we were to have you next to us.
Rest in peach BojBoj. I'll take care of Aaron until you guys meet again.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?




........................................................................

We have slept more hours than we've been awake today. That's so sad, but I really don't mind. Last night at Walmart, I bought a Nick Jonas sweater, it's red and comfy!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've seen all that I can be.
Now I can't believe, everything
you see in me.
I'm having troubles trying to get along,
and i'm struggling.

It's always been just me.
Against the struggles of the world,
and I'm trying to find my way.
In amongst the crowds.
Because I'm falling and I'm losing my
way.

I need your help in rescuing me.
So that I don't slip farther down.
But I'm scared that you've stopped wanting
to be around.
And I'm feeling like a weight on your
shoulders.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
anymore.
And I'm scared that we might fall apart.
I need your help. I need you.
I need for you to not fail me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my first post from college. The big time. The University of South Dakota!
Suprisingly, I love it here. Seriously...it's growing on me more than I ever thought possible! I love my dorm room, and my floor. I love my schedule and I love this campus! Everyone is really nice, and it's SOOO drama free. It's so unlike Akron, and that's what I have needed for the longest time! Sure, I miss all the things about home...but not as much as I thought I would~
I'm making so many friends! And Arielle is the GREATEST roommate that I could ask for EVER!!! There are a few girls on our floor that I've gotten really close too, like Annie. And then a few that don't live in my building, like Talya. I met her yesterday!

The days here go really slow...but really fast at the same time. It's so odd that I had like an hour and a half of class today. But I love this life!!!

Well, I love it now...But ask me what I think about it during finals week!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Arielle's reading her psych homework, so this is for her...)
"I don't put much stock in psychology"- Temperance Brennan.

I wonder why I can't be perfect?

I think I've asked myself that question everyday for the last 18 years. And I've asked it to myself so much that I feel my voice has become raspy. I've joked around long enough. And it's finally time to honestly say: I don't feel beautiful.

I know that's like the most blunt and worst way to say something. But it's so true. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with the fact that I'm not loved, I'm not skinny, I'm not fun.. my mind just keeps telling me that "I'M NOT". I'm none of the things that I would like to be. But I don't know how to fix it.
Honestly...I don't even know if i want to. Living in my own misery is something that im now accustomed too. It would be far too easy to be HAPPY. I've just spent so long feeling my own pain that now...anything besides sadness would feel like a lie to feel.

Going to college feeling like this is going to be a battle. I can already tell. I'm going to be surrounded by so many beautiful, talented, and smart women that will just make me feel even worse. And you know what sparked this? That damn movie 27 Dresses.
Seeing a movie that I really want to see..is SUCH a good idea...until I have to see it. Because then, it makes me think. And it makes me question...and it makes me wish, and realize, and ponder...and just about any other adjective that a person can have for that sort of thing.

But then I realize how much perfection costs. One of my friends has too much on her plate, because she can't say no to any activity. One of my friends doesn't eat, because she wants to make it big in Hollywood. While that same friend is too afraid to get over her first love. I have another friend who has ruiend his life. And I'm afraid he'll never get it back. My other friend...he's a mess...he can't control himself...he's...crazy.

Why can't I be perfect?
Because, perfections overrated.

~I'm falling in love and it's taken everything I have not to tell him. It's so weird. I don't know his favorite color, or what kind of ice cream he likes. I can't even tell you where he likes to shop.
But I can tell you that I might...just...sorta...want to spend forever with him.
~But, I can't tell him.
<3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What if i can't afford college?
Why do I doubt our friendship?
Why don't I EVER feel like I'm worthy?
What if my college expiernce is like his?
Would I survive not being able to continue my education?
Why does my faith in you fail everyday now?
Why does this have to happen to me?
How can I overcome it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't keep continuing this day-by-day thing. But I don't know what to do...i just don't... im speechless when it comes to ALL the thoughts swirling around in my head. And I don't know how to caputre them on paper...or virtual paper. Start looking into the future...it's what everyone AND everything around me keeps telling me what to do. I have 10 DAYS until I move into USD. And I'm so freaking scared that I can hardly breathe. I don't want to go into college being afraid of everything. I want one day...just ONE DAY...where my mind doesn't need to revolve around my fears.
I'm scared, that i'm the worst friend ever. Arielle is everything to me and I'm scared that she's just going to get sick of me. I can't handle that...I couldn't. I don't want to doubt the kind of friend that I am. Because honestly, I think I'm a pretty good friend. I'm a loyal and loving friend. And I want to be forever. But...then agian...I'm scared.
I wish I hadn't given up writing fiction. It seems that ever since the moment I deleted all of my stories, I've carried around a heavy heart. A weight on my shoulders that I can't seem to lift off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems at this point that nothing can save me. Living in the moment of ecstacy can only carry me so far. And soon, I find that my moment has ended. I want to go back to the old days where nothing but ecstacy filled my life. I lived in the moment and was happy with it. I had good friends, I had a good head, and I didn't doubt my ablitlies. Because I knew I was good at them. Above all, I used to NOT be scared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"She hates the sun, because it proves that she's not alone. And the world doesn't revolve around her soul. She loves the sky, because it validates her pride. It never lets her know when she is wrong."-Black keys, Jonas.
You got that Nick Jonas.
You've got that right.
But I should take the advice that the brothers are shelling out to me. "Don't let them get inside of your head. Don't let them inside." Right...right...don't let them inside...too bad they've already infested and are making a name for themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I miss my faith in everything.

How frustrating.
When distance is the only thing keeping us apart.
Why do I feel like I've known you my whole life?
Is it just an act?
Are you not who I think you are?

Because I think I'm in love with you...

But It's hard to see,
all that we could be.
If I would just open my heart,
and start to believe, that
there is some one out there for
me.
Its you. Its you. Its you.

When my heart is swimming in doubt.
I know you'll come for me.
Your rescuing me and making me believe
that once again, it's possible for me to
be loved.

Because I think I'm falling for you...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Totally just erased part of it. But maybe i was meant to erase that part. it did seem a little too..much. I miss my best friend (her phones broken)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No bones quote...to depressed...HOLY GOD...the big "i love you" moments coming though!

The course it's taken for us to get
here was hard.
I'm not going to lie.
Life is hard. And it's not like us to
be this shy.

What happened to us, and how
did we fall so hard? One day,
it was just me and you. And now
it's us behind this looking glass.
but this seperation is getting to be
to far.

release me out of your grip,
and give me some space. Let
me collect my thoughts. You can move on
without me. Because I'm just trying to
move on ahead, and down this road.
There's no room for you in this place.

Learn to step up.
step back.
stay calm.
Your making this rediculous. And
I can't find excuses anymore.

Our past was so easy to find,
and so hard to erase.
It wasn't like I didn't feel it too.
We just started to early, and our love
never finished.

AT first, I was so desperate. To make
you feel the same. But now that you've
fallen, I only know that you were just
a waste of my time.

Learn to stop this.
stop me.
leave me.
Your making this an impossible mission. And
I'm tired of this game.

It's tearing you apart, and all I can hear
is laughter in my heart. And the course for us
to get here was hard...
I'm not going to lie...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blah, I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince the other night. EPIC MOVIE. That's pretty much how I can describe it. I'm not sure what the sun exposruse has done to my hair. But WOWZA! It's like, blacker than black can get... in other words...
It's really black.
*Am I the only one who thinks it would be halarious if Sirius' middle name was Lee.
Two words to that comment: Fucking halarious.
I'm continuing this shopping spree thing that I'm doing tomorrow.
Thank god im not working. Huge baseball tournaments + Allie working = not a fun workshift!

Lately, I'm feeling very serious, about like...everything. I'm not sure why...but I kinda love it.
It makes me feel bad ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't know your security clearance."-Temperance Brennan.

P.s...TOTALLY wish I was addicted to excersise!
P.P.s...Demi=4 days.
P.P.P.s...now I'm done.

Sometimes, I have to start to think...
Am I me?
Are you me?
Am I you?

Sometimes, it's so hard for me to see the clearing behind the trees.
And I'm so tired of trying to be everything I am.
It was good in the begining,
but this is the end.
We've reached the end. And I'm not able to go on anymore.

It's come to a point where EVERYTHING I am, you are becoming.
I'm realizing that it's hard to be myself when i don't even know
who i am...
and I have you right behind me.
Following me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes, i just feel like I'll never become who i'm supposed to be. There are so many lies and deciets in my life that it often gets hard to find the truth.
In basic terms, and in a non-hurting way.
STOP TRYING TO BECOME ME!!!!!!!!
I keep dropping hints, and I wish you would trip over one! I can't believe your stupidity!
I mean, your my friend. But some friends are only meant to be friends. NOT copycats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I understand that being like someone is fascinating, and most people would love to be just like someone they look up too. But COME ON! Doing those things is like changing your shoe style.
....In the past half of a year, you have managed to change: your lifestyle, music choices, hair, personality, likes, dislikes, fears, crushes, and most importantly...yourself. To be just like me. How very very boring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You should be searching for yourself,
instead of trying to lose me.
This change you've made,
who you have become.
It's boring,
it's you.
It's not me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like I'm begging and it's not enough. Because no matter what I do. Your ALWAYS going to be my biggest fan. And as much as I would like that to continue happening...
I JUST CAN'T STAND IT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You don't know me."- Temperance Brennan

I'm confused. Tired of being held down by everyone and everything around me. When will it stop I ask you?
Never.
I got the feeling back tonight. And I realize that I'm the only one who will know what that means... and it means a lot more to me than throwing up means to a model.

I'm not perfect. It's taken alot for me to see that as of recent. I'm very flawed, more flawed than I liked to admit. I would love to make my life seem so easy... but that would be very hard. Putting up an act is quite difficult when your the only one on the stage.
I've figured some stuff out.
Maybe people are right when they say that you learn who you are the summer before your college year. I don't know who "they" are...but "they" are out there. The one important thing that i have learned over the summer so far is that...
Your not as important in my life as you think you are. "You" know who you are of course. I just find the thought of you to be so high school. so 'old life'. so unfascinating. I used to think you owned the world. you used to be on top. But now I'm smarter and I realize that even when you want to hang out, it really means 'we will just talk about it but it wont ever happen.' You've let me down again. And last time, i was so upset that i couldn't even breathe. But this time. I feel like i can breathe easier.
Your not going with me for the rest of my life. Your not following me to my future. And that feels good. I've got all I need, I've got who I need. And you...
Your just not intresting anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Zach, promise not to eat Sweets"- Booth
"...I promise."-Zack
"See!"-Booth.

My titles are like tofu!


My brain is wondering WHAT THE HELL is wrong with it tonight! I'm entirely TOO funny tonight. Like seriously, funnier than Ryan Secreast could ever be. EVER.

Michael Jackson died today... and I SO want to make an innapropriate remark as to whats going to happen to his face now, but i'm afriad his ghost is going to come back and "Thriller" me... I can't handle that right now!
~Off that awkwardness~ Annie told me that I should start a website today... a "Perez Hilton" type... "without all the pink"... I don't want all the "gayness" either. I'm afraid my website would hurt feelings. And I just don't want all the reporters from E! to make me a headline.

"Vlog poster Allie Lanning was spotted going into McDonalds. We are shocked that someone from Hollywoods actually going into a RESTURANT first of all. And we wonder what she's going to eat. I'm Ryan Secreast...I'm a little girl. Watch E! News at six."

By the way Ryan, I would SO get a parfait. Because the delish yougart is... well, tasty.

I'm talking with Annie about how one day we are pretty much going to rule the world, and will be more powerful than martha stewart, gail king, and oprah COMBINED! Yeah! I didn't think it was possible either!

Sterling Knight = <3 (i'm feeling 12 today, get off my back!)

Wow..that was oddly satisfying... venting to this livejournal. Save the planet, thats the best we can do!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes, Quotes, Quotes. "Usually when you get all blustery, you think somethings your fault." -Cam.

I have no idea what to write about tonight. My day was just, rediculously random today.
Arielle gave me the hope of going to camp today, and golly gee I really hope that I get to. It's amazing there.
My inability to care lately for just about anything is rocking. And I've found out that this post is just a waste of my fingers typing.
The Bones season premier is September 17th this year. Yeah, best birthday present ever I'm going to have to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~I'm strangly addicted to Disney channel stars.
~The fact that it keeps storming at night makes me realize that my feelings actually DO control the weather.
~Last summer seemes so long ago, and the best time of my life.
~Veganism sounds cool, but only as a word.
~I keep drinking randomly large amounts of Sprite as of late. Why I am not sure. (should I TM that sprite, I feel like it's illegal just to let it sit there...)
~Sterling Knight, may just be the "prettiest" boy I've ever seen in my life. And trust me, I've seen a TON! (Sonny with a chance)
~Magicians aren't supposed to be funny. They are supposed to do magic. That's their only job. They should stick to their job.
~College needs to come.
~Facebook at this point seems lame, unless someone posts on your wall.
~I miss Washington D.C.
~The magic school bus... is really, really magic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Bones quote tonight is from a fic rather than episode. However, it really needs to find its way into an episode: "Remember what you told me after the Pony play case, about how two people have that spark?" -Temperance
"Of course Bones, what about it?" -Booth
Silence
"...your my spark Booth."-Temperance.

Sooooooooo....
We meet again, odd livejournal thingy.

You know, I have been thinking lately. And I must admit, the prospects and outlooks of marriage are becoming more and more appealing. Perhaps it's the fact that I no longer think boys have "cooties" or it could be that I just want to be happy with someone. For the rest of my life, and have that irrational feeling of endorphins surge itself through my brain. Or perhaps I just want someone to WANT to deal with me. Instead of me having to deal with myself.
Do you know how annoying I can be?
Don't answer that.

Maybe I've come to terms with the fact that I will one day, get married. I can't deny myself that "luxury". But I'm certianly not going to push it. I mean... it doesn't even sound appealing.
Ok, I'm lying.

OR, maybe I false realization of love and I'll learn about it once I DON'T marry someone named Seeley Booth. Because NEWS FLASH, he doesn't exist!
WHAT IS THIS EVIL YOU SPEAK OF?

Yeah, I think thats it. *shrugs* I just want to marry Booth, and when the real world kicks me on my ass after another date that ended horribly in the rain, I'll realize that marriage ain't all it's cracked up to be. Sure this past weekend there was a beautiful wedding and a 50th anniversary party. But 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce.
Considering I just celebrated 2 MARRIAGES, I'm wonder what the future will hold.

Curious, very curious.

I take it back: I know longer find marriage appealing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well gee; I'm just being so very nice today: "Because you all want to lose yourself in another person. You believe that love is transcendent and eternal... I want to believe that, too." -Temperance Brennan. (how can you not love her!)

It's so hard sometimes, to see people for who they really are. And it seems like we are all just living seperate, spare lives. Only because we can't find wholeness in who we actually are. I'm feeling that way today. I'm feeling like this life I'm leading is just not...fitting. Like I'm preparing myself for something that's coming. Something bigger, more extreme, something that will be ultimatly. The founding moment.
I mean, I'd love to sit here and type that I have it all together. Nothing plauges me at all. Not the fact that I haven't seen my best friends most of the summer, not the fact that all I really care about is leaving. Nothing. But then I would be lying.

You know what really gets me? Everyone in my class has been whining and complaining and begging to get out of here, out of Akron for the past year or so. Claiming college is their getaway. It's going to get them out of this hell hole. Then please, explain to me why they are all CLINGING to each other? Every single one of them, is just hanging on to the other. And I'm starting to get the feeling that they don't really want to leave each other. And does the fact that I'm at home instead of at the supposed "going away bonfire" tonight any indication that I've stopped caring for these people?
Absolutly.

They've always been nothing to me. I've just been a "person" to them. Not really "Allie". Just someone to give them random one liners from Tv shows, help them find their passion, and be a crying shoulder to them. Other than that. I've been invisible. I just can't seem to understand, and THAT frustrates me the most. Because I WANT to understand! More than ANYTHING! I want to know why and how they can all love each other so much? How they can be there for each other as much as they are? Because those feelings are irrational. None of those feelings actually exist.

Paramore is blanketing my life right now, and I'm really loving that. It seems that they have captured everything I think, feel, and know into song. Their songs see help me see the truth. They help me see that we are all just living seperate lives from ourselves. We haven't truly found ourselves yet. And we must seem like fools because of it.

You know what I hate the most? All of us, we are all lost. Lost among ourselves, and each other. And no one is holding the directions or a map. Because we have to find it. WE do. We have to make sure that we find ourselves before someone else does. Or it just seems to late.

I don't like feeling lost.

"Is that what you think? That I'm some kind of Loser?"- Booth.

I feel so impowered today~ I'm not sure why, but I feel like I could own the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lately, I have wanted to jump on the Twitter wagon. Ew Twitter. It's gross, and I don't think that I can possibly be addicted to anything else. Here is the scale when it comes to the "likeness factor."

Pope.
obsession.
addiction.
love.
like.
tolerant.

Aaron Harvey told me that I was the Pope of Bones the other day. Safe to say that went to my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel ike being a new version of me today. Ha! Because I haven't said that before.
I'm just tired of feeling like I'm losing all of my friends and that I'm losing everything that I've worked so hard to gain. My family, my friends, my past, my present. Everything. It just feels like it's slipping away. And you know what? I don't even feel worried. I'm not scared. I'm not sad, and I'm not regretting it. I actually feel like I'm becoming how i used to be. I'm becoming what I've missed and that's what I'm more happy about.
I like to be myself, and not care what others have to say. I like to be me, and it feels gratifying that I am no longer this heartwarming, loving, caring woman anymore. Because thats NOT what I want to be. It's not. I want to feel like I used to. I want to feel nothing at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friends are always letting me in,
and then throwing me out.
Acting like I am dispensible.
Tossing me aside for others.

It's a reality that I've chosen to hide,
I've resorted back to how I used to feel.
and that's not at all.
Because we never were, and we never wanted to be.
Any of this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meh, my feelings aren't hurt actually. And this isn't a pity post. Simply a post to get the proper ideas/thoughts out of my mind. I accomplished it as well. So there!

I don't have an episode quote, it's from a story: "Because you think there's a deep, unspoken love between us?" -Temperance Brennan.

Hey!
So many emotions can overlap a single person at once. Wow!
I saw Night at the Museum Two: Battle of the Smithsonian on Wednesday! It was the best movie that I've seen in such a long time. Arielle ended up coming down and it's like the best ever!

I just need to let some things flow onto the page, and this seems like the most appropriate place:
So here goes.
I can't believe that we made it this far.
It seems like just yesterday we were so apart.
Everyone knew that something was wrong,
but from where I stood everything felt so right.
Was I blind?
Am I a fool?

And I just keep treating this like nothing has changed.
When we know that everything fell apart.
It's hard to realize that once everything was good,
that everything turned bad.
Oh did it turn bad.

I don't think we did this on purpose.
In fact, I'm pretty sure this was an accident.
Niether of us fixed it though which just left us
as broken as before.
Because you left. You left and let me defend myself on my
own.
It was all on my own.

And i just keep treating this like nothing had changed.
When we were strong and unbreakable.
It's hard to realize that once everything was good,
that everything turned bad.
Oh yes, it turned bad.
Fast.

We drifted apart and felt the ground from under us move,
it felt so good to finally be me.
I finally felt apart of us, and that last so much longer
than I wanted.
Than I wanted.
Once I knew that we were gone and done it felt so much better
to know that you've finally found what you wanted.
You've finally accomplished all that you wanted.

And I just keep treating this like nothing had changed.
Anytime you called me, I was there.
It's hard to realize that once everything was good,
that everything turned bad.
And I'm ok with that.
Yeah, I'm ok with that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holy crap that feels so good to get off my chest. I think it's a song, yet I haven't put it to chords or music or notes yet. Therefore, it's just...something.
I love being a vegetarian, I feel so accomplished! Like I'm doing something that's not WASTING my life away! Thank Goodness!

Everything is free tonight; including this quote: "He's imprinting on us, like a baby duck?" -Temperance Brennan